Making Memories, Part 1

One of the hard things of being a military family is that you often live far away from family.  Sure there's email and phone calls and skype but it's not the same as being able to be together.  You can see you family a couple a times a year but it's just not the same.  One of the nice things about being home (I call both where I grew up and where I currently live home) is being able to see family.

For me, part of my close family is my Aunt M, my cousin T and her family.  T and I are three years apart and while we weren't super close as kids we are close now.  She's like a sister.  One of the great parts of that is that her 5 kids call me Auntie Poe.  They live 2 hours from my parents in New Hampshire.  We were able to head up there while The Man was here.  It was a great time of making memories.  Often I would need to get in T and Auntie time plus time with the kids.  Because of how it worked out, T and Auntie were down helping us with dad so I was able to get time with them.  T and I were able to have some quality time and conversations so when we headed north I was able to get some great kid time in.


T's husband J had recently drained the conference pool, sanded and grinded it down and repainted it (there was probably a lot more that he did to it but I have no idea. I just know it was a lot of work).  He decided to refill it the evening we were there.  We were walking by the pool on our way to T's house, saw his truck outside and decided to make funny faces at him through the window.  The surprise was on us when we saw that he was in the there with the three oldest kids playing in the deep end of the pool in shallow water.  We went in and they were having a great time.  Of course they asked us to go in with them.  The Man and I both said no but they asked again.  The Man said he would if I did, figuring that it would then be my fault that we wouldn't play with them. Well, once he said that of course we were going in!  What better way to make memories than to do something fun and out of the ordinary?

Little J telling us she didn't want to go in the water

J needing some help up the slippery slope

Please come play with us!

Getting a push in...and yes, I was wearing a skort.

Sitting in the water

The Man trying to dunk his loving wife

Homesick

I've had this song running through my head.  Dad's going home is still new and fresh.  I miss him. A lot.  I know it will get "easier."  I know I will see him again.  I'm hoping that it will be a long time until then so I think the homesickness is something I'll get used too....

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times 

And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you 

But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry

Is how long must I wait to be with you 

I close my eyes and I see your face

If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place 

Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now 

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways 

The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know 

But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same 

Cause I'm still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face

If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place

Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbye 

And in Christ, there is no end 

So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have 

To see you again 

To see you again 

And I close my eyes and I see your face 

If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place 

Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow 

Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

 Linking up with Goodnight Moon

Joey

Our family is expending again!  We've gotten Edgar, Allen and Molly a new brother.  A four legged brother that is.  Joey flew home last night with The Man.  He wasn't the happiest pup ever (you could hear him barking in the entire terminal) but he did just fine.  I'm sure he was super happy to see The Man in Seattle!

You may be wondering who is Joey?  Well, Joey is daddy's dog.  They got him about 15 months ago.  Dad had retired and was sleeping late and not doing much of anything.  That may sound night but mom was concerned about him, especially since she sometimes works long hours.  So they rescued Joey, a purebred beagle to keep daddy company and give him something to do.  The two became fast friends and they both loved each other a lot.  Dad had to get up to take Joey out and to feed him.  Joey loves walks so he helped dad get some exercise and was just a great companion for daddy.  Whenever I talked to dad he was always telling me a Joey story and more often than not he was sitting right next to dad as he talked to me.

Joey took dad's going home hard.  He spent most of the day after on my lap moping.  He was so sad.  He's doing better now but I know he still misses dad.

Anyway...why do we have him?  Because Joey is very much a people puppy (like Molly) and with mom working all day and often late, Joey would be home alone a lot.  And lately if you leave him alone to long he pees in the house cause he's mad at you.  Mom loves Joey but just doesn't think she can take care of him the way he needs to be taken care of.  That's where we come in.  We love four legged critters and are more than happy to take Joey.  We'd much rather take him than give him back to the rescue and go to another family.  We think Joey was abused and neglected as a pup.  We don't want to take the chance he will be again.  Plus, we've fallen in love with him!  Molly and Joey met last November when she drove out with me.  There were a few jealousy issues but they got along really well.  We know that there will be some jealousy issues again and an adjustment period but we think they'll do just fine.  And since mom has two cats, Edgar and Allen shouldn't phase Joey.

Some more Joey cuteness:

Mom and Joey

C and Joey

K and Joey

The Red Baron.

Sniffing around

Soothing

The memorial service for my dad on Saturday morning was good.  I had been dreading it but it was good to remember and see people that loved him (and love us).  There was a time for sharing memories and stories about dad and that was very touching.  By the time we finally left after the meal, I was more than ready to leave.  I was so exhausted mentally, physically and emotionally.

My cousin, who I am very close to and is more like a sister, brought her oldest three kids.  They loved their Uncle.  J was having a hard time with daddy's death and when I walked in and went over to here, so came right to me.  I wasn't expecting this as she is 5 and I've seen here once in two years.  She just cuddled into me and let me hold her.  She even warmed up to The Man though she was very shy at first.

Several family members came back to mom's house after.  I escaped the people by going outside with the kids and climbing the great tree out front.  My parents had the tree planted when I was a kid so I never got to climb it but it's been great for these kids.  We have pictures of the oldest in the tree when he was 2...and of him out there ever since.  At 11 he has no fear while climbing and his 8 year old sister followed right behind him.  The Man and I even got up in the tree.  I didn't go up very far but stayed low with the little one.  The Man went up and enjoyed some time with the older kids.  After tree climbing the two girls and I went for a walk around the block.  I really enjoyed this time as I was able to connect with them.  I miss these kids so much.  It did my heart good that they didn't forget me and wanted to spend time with me.

The Man and the boy in the tree

A little girl in the tree

Look at me!

After the walk I snuggled up to The Man on the sofa.  Football was on, the kids were on their DS Lights and Leapster chatting away to us and people were in and out of the room.  The Man and I managed to snooze for about an hour.  It was the most refreshing sleep I've gotten in a long time.  I'm still waking up tired and that nap just felt so good.

Later that night The Man and I went out for a date night.  It felt nice to do something normal.  We went to the Wrentham outlets and walked around.  We talked and talked.  We had dinner at Ruby Tuesday's.  We love their salad bar and wish there was on in the PNW.  We talked some more and made some decisions.  We're excited about what we decided and while I'm not going to tell you at the moment, I'll share soon.

Visiting

The wake for dad was last night.  It was good to see him again.  Of course I cried.  At times I was overwhelmed by the amount of people there.  I didn't expect to see so many people there;  Family, friends, people from church and our old church, some of my friends, people mom works with, people dad worked with, people who dad served with for Men's Night Out.  It was wonderful to talk to everyone and remember dad.  I never realized all the people that daddy impacted.  To everyone who came, thank you.  Thank you for your support, prayers and love.  Thank you for sharing how dad impacted you and the memories you have of him. 

Time felt really slow.  The visiting hours were only 3 hours but it felt much longer.  It's only been 4 days since dad went home but it feels like it's been at least two weeks.  Each day feels like two.  I'm exhausted.  I was able to sleep last night and got a good 8 hours but it doesn't feel like it.

Next comes the memorial service.  As my mom says, dad won't be there cause he wasn't invited.  He didn't want to come back to the church so he won't be.  I know that even without him there it will be emotional.  Does it sound horrible to say that I'm looking forward to it being over?  It feels like we've just been waiting and waiting and waiting.  After the service, life gets back to "normal" whatever that is now.  Or as our friend Suzy-Q says, our new normal.  Life is never going to be the same.  It can't be with a big hole where dad used to be. 

The Day After

I've been sitting here staring at a blank screen.

I'm not sure what to write.

It's been a really long day.

Not as long as yesterday

but time still feels like it's dragging.

The Man arrived last night.

It was the first time I've slept all night in about a week.

When I woke up,

it felt like I hadn't gotten any sleep.

I'm so glad my husband is here.

It was so nice to fall asleep in his arms,

to cry against his chest.

and to have him here for support.

Earlier today I looked at my phone 

and realized that I missed two phone calls.

I stared at one of the numbers in disbelief.

It said Dad.

I know that that is impossible.

It turns out that a recent number I added

got put under Dad.

Not sure how it happened.

It set off tears.
Not just tears but sobs.
Body shaking, unable to breathe kind of sobs.

My daddy is never going to call me again.

Never going to text me again.

I'm never going to hear his voice again.

He's never going to tell me some random fact

or

something I already know.

I'm never going to argue with him.

He's never going to tell me that

I'm beautiful

or
that he loves me

or
is proud of me

or
that I'll always be his little girl.

I'll never buy him another cookbook

or
coffee mug

or
hat.

He'll never cook me mac and cheese or beef stew again.

I'll never hear him talk to himself

in the shower or while doing dishes.

I miss you daddy.

Wordless Wednesday

This may be photo overload but it's what I need right now....

August 4, 2009

August 4, 2009

Road trip November 2010

November 3,1984

No idea when/where this was:)

Bremerton-Seattle Ferry, December 2009

Christmas, not sure what year

At home, November 2010

South Padre Island, 2004

25 Wedding anniversary, Summer 2003

Parasailing, South Padre Island, approx. 2001

With his great nephew, April 2011

Enjoying life, South Padre Island, approx 2004

Bangor, WA, Christmas 2009

Peace

The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised.

Job 1:21b

Daddy has gone home. 

He fought the good fight.

He is at peace.

At 10 pm on September 20 I gave daddy the meds to keep him comfortable. It had been a rough day as his breathing had gotten louder due to the fluids building up in his lungs. I gave him a kiss goodnight and told him I loved him. I told him that I was so glad that God had given him to me as my daddy, that he was the best dad. I also told him that he was doing a great job and that I was proud of him. I headed to bed but I couldn't fall asleep.  Around 11:30 I heard mom get up; she was sleeping in the same room as dad. I got up and headed in.  She saw me coming and told me that she thought he was gone.  He was quiet and it had woken her up.  I felt him and he was still warm but his chest wasn't moving and we couldn't find a pulse.  Tears started but there was peace.  Daddy was no longer in pain and he is with Jesus.  We talked to daddy, cried, gave him more kisses.  I'm very glad that mom and I had that time with him.  Joey, his dog didn't want to get on the bed with him but looked at him from the other bed.  Poe, my parent's cat jumped up on the bed and settled on his chest.  She laid her head on his hand and curled into it and kept moving her head so he was petting her.  She got her time with him to say goodbye.

We called hospice and a nurse came.  She got here pretty quickly.  We were pretty happy that it was the nurse that first came when Dad came home.  She is wonderful and I'm so thankful for her support.  Everyone with hospice was amazing; from our aid to the other nurses, they treated dad with compassion, kindness and kept his dignity. 

Mom told me that after I gave dad his meds she told him that she loved him, was proud of him, and that he was a good a faithful servant.  She reassured him that we would be fine and that it was ok for him to go home.  As she got into bed she said "I love you hun." 

Dad went home in God's time.  While there were tears there was also peace.  In addition to the peace there was joy.  One of the first things I said was "He's home!  He's not in pain anymore!"  It's been surreal.  I can't explain the sorrow, joy and peace I have all at one time.  I can say that it is truly well with my soul.

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

John 14:27

Eternity Matters

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

~Romans 8:28

We believe in the Truth.  Not truth as the world tells us, not truth that changes with the times but absolute Truth.  Truth that does not change and is consistent.  It is this Truth that tells us of the life to come.  This life is short....we are here today and gone tomorrow.  It is filled with pain and suffering.  It is but a shadow of the life to come.  I believe without a doubt that there is a life to come.  You will be in one of two places when you die: with God or without God.  Where you go is up to you...only you get to decide where you will spend eternity.  This isn't a matter to be taken lightly.  I know that not all of my readers will agree with me.  Some of you may even be offended.  oh well.  This is Truth.  Regardless if you believe it or not, the Truth stands.  You may realized too late that it is unchanging, absolute Truth.  I hope that you will consider eternity now and not when it's too late

We didn't always believe this.  God used the bad to bring about good.  Daddy wouldn't have changed anything about the past because he saw the good it brought.

In 1993 dad was diagnosed with cancer for the third time.  This time it was in his pancreas.  That's a scary diagnosis to get because it is very hard to cure.  It seemed like the end was close (not that I knew it at the time.  Mom and dad were very good about keeping scary stuff from as as they wanted me to have a normal childhood. I didn't know how serious it was until much later).  The doctors told us that there was a surgery option called a Whipple.  I think the doctor gave us somewhere around 5-10% survival rate.  The odds weren't good but since it was really our only option, we did it.  The surgery took place on December 22, 1993.  Miraculously he survived.  Chemo and radiation followed and he was in the hospital for a long time.

A friend of dad's from work, who was also a pastor would visit pretty often.  He shared with him about Jesus.  That Jesus is God and that he lived a perfect, sinless life on earth.  That he died on the cross for his (and mine and your) sins.  That death could not overcome Jesus and Jesus rose again and is now at the right hand of God in heaven.  That we can't do anything to earn salvation, that it is a free gift.  Dad believed and a short time later so did I.  Mom reconfirmed her faith.  Our new faith helped us and our church was amazing and supportive and prayed along side us for his recovery.
  
And recover he did.  Dad came home and the doctors were amazed.  They had no medical explanation of why he lived.  The years rolled by and the doctors remained amazed.  We knew that God had healed him and that God had things for him to do.  Dad taught and discipled people.  He has a great love for God's word.  He loved to read it and dig into it.  He LOVED the commentaries I used in my college classes and he used them long after I stopped using them.  Dad and I would have great theological conversations at dinner.  He loved God.

It's been 18 years since he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.  There are have many trips to the hospital since then along with numerous doctors visits and ongoing health concerns.  Through it all he remained positive and praised God.  He never blamed God for his health issues.  He never got angry and blamed him.  Instead he thanked God that he was still here.  Dad accomplished the things God had prepared in advance for him to do.  Dad is now on his way home...his real home.  The one that he's been looking forward to.  I will see him there again.  Dad will have his new body and there will be no more cancer and no more pain.  He will be with our friend Jimmy and will be waiting for mom and I join him. 

Ephesians 2:8-9

For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast.

The Longest Day

2 Corinthians 12:9

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

Today has felt so long.  Time is moving so slowly and yet, quickly at the same time.  Daddy spends most of the time asleep now.  Because his liver isn't functioning, toxins are building up in his body and it is shutting down.  This morning he did open his eyes several times and was able to answer questions, like if he was ok, in pain and if he wanted something to drink.  And by answer I mean mumble and nod.  As the day progressed he took longer to answer and sometimes doesn't respond at all.  This evening hasn't been that great.  He's been a little restless and is coughing.  It's hard. So hard.

I was ok this morning.  It's gotten harder as the day has gone on.  It's hitting home more, that he's dying.  I'm having a hard time picturing a future without him in it.  Tears are always close to the surface.  My mom told me jokingly that I would have made a wonderful professional mourner back in the day.  I'm a crier and no one is surprised by this.  In the sorrow there is joy and peace.  I am so upset for me but overjoyed for dad.  His pain and suffering will soon be over and I KNOW that he will be in a better place.  If I didn't know that I would be a wreck.  There are moments when I don't know how I'm going to get through this.  My heavenly father keeps reminding me that his grace is sufficient and that I can do all things through Jesus...that he is my strength.  I know I can't do this on my own.  Thank you Lord, that I am no alone.

A month ago my parents were kayaking.  When Mom brought Dad to the hospital 2 weeks ago we never thought this is how it was going to turn out.  We've taken him to the hospital so many times that the idea that he was this sick wasn't on our radar.  The doctor did tell us that this is one of the best ways to go.  He's going to be sleeping more and more and at some point, he's not going to wake up.  It's pretty painless.  I think it's harder on us.  We're taking care of him and waiting.  Just waiting.  It's so hard to do.





My thoughts are a little all over the place.  I apologize if they are hard to follow.  I wanted to write some of them down to help me sort through them and so I'll have a record.  I have a feeling that looking back on this is going to be a little bit of a blur.

Philippians 4:13

I can do all this through him who gives me strength. 

Romans 8:28

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Psalm 139

As I try to come to terms with my dad dying, Psalm 139 keeps coming to mind.

It wasn't dad's time 20 years ago.

It is now.

My God is not surprised by this; 

He's known this day was coming since the beginning of time.

How can I argue with that?

Daddy was here while I grew up, 

watched me graduate high school and college,

supported me while I lived in Asia

and walked me down the aisle.

However, I cry every time I think about the fact

that he will never hold my babies,
never get to play his grandchildren.

But through my tears I am choosing to be thankful
for the time and experiences we've had.

Thank you Lord, for my daddy.

The bold italicized portions are the parts I am finding particular comforting right now.

Psalm 139

You have searched me, LORD,
   and you know me.
² You know when I sit and when I rise;
   you perceive my thoughts from afar.
³ You discern my going out and my lying down;
   you are familiar with all my ways.
⁴ Before a word is on my tongue
   you, LORD, know it completely.
⁵ You hem me in behind and before,
   and you lay your hand upon me.
⁶ Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
   too lofty for me to attain.

 ⁷ Where can I go from your Spirit?
   Where can I flee from your presence?
⁸ If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
   if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
⁹ If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
   if I settle on the far side of the sea,
¹⁰ even there your hand will guide me,
   your right hand will hold me fast.
¹¹ If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
   and the light become night around me,”
¹² even the darkness will not be dark to you;
   the night will shine like the day,
   for darkness is as light to you.

 ¹³ For you created my inmost being;
   you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
   your works are wonderful,
   I know that full well.
¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you
   when I was made in the secret place,
   when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
¹⁶ Your eyes saw my unformed body;
   all the days ordained for me were written in your book
   before one of them came to be.
¹⁷ How precious to me are your thoughts,^[a] God!
   How vast is the sum of them!
¹⁸ Were I to count them,
   they would outnumber the grains of sand—
   when I awake, I am still with you.

 ¹⁹ If only you, God, would slay the wicked!
   Away from me, you who are bloodthirsty!
²⁰ They speak of you with evil intent;
   your adversaries misuse your name.
²¹ Do I not hate those who hate you, LORD,
   and abhor those who are in rebellion against you?
²² I have nothing but hatred for them;
   I count them my enemies.
²³ Search me, God, and know my heart;
   test me and know my anxious thoughts.
²⁴ See if there is any offensive way in me,
   and lead me in the way everlasting.

Hard

It doesn't matter if you're expecting the diagnosis.
It's still hard to hear.
The cancer is back.
It's aggressive and very serious;
It wasn't there two month ago.

My daddy is dying.

We're bring him home tomorrow with hospice.
We were given the option of doing chemo and/or radiation.
The three of us talked and decided that it wasn't worth it
for maybe having a few more months.

There is no cure
only a delaying the inevitable.

It was the hardest decision we've ever had to make.

There peace is in knowing that daddy believes.

Dad believes that Jesus died and rose again for his sins.

I believe he will be in heaven when he is no longer here

and that I'll see him again there.

Once he's there, there will be no more pain and his body will be whole again.

I'm staying in MA until the end.

I took care of him before when he was sick

and I'll do it again now.

It's a surreal feeling.
I haven't totally wrapped my head around the fact that he's dying.
I've cried a lot already;
I know more tears are coming.

Dad update

Thank you friends, for your kind comments, encouragement and prayers.  They mean more to me than I can say.  A thank you seems too simple but that's all I have.  Thank you.

My mom and I headed into the hospital early today (Sept. 14) so we could talk to the doctor about dad.  Let's just say it isn't good. We're not surprised.

Yesterday they were hoping to place a larger stient in his liver. They were unable to do so. There is blockage in the "tubes" that run from his liver to the intestines. This is causing the bile to just sit there. He's on antibiotics to fight infection which is always a possibility when you have stagnet fluid in the body. They were hoping to get a biopsy yesterday nut the doctor did not think it would be a good sample so they are going to try again today.  A previous sample of cells were abnormal so a biopsy will tell us more.

Due to dad's history, there is a very good chance that his cancer has returned.  We were told years ago that there was a good chance it would show up in another organ; I'm thankful that it has taken awhile to happen.  The doctor has not told us that it is cancer for sure and they don't like to use that word unless they are positive but given his history, the likelyhood is high.  Mom and I were not surprised by this as we've been expecting it.
Expecting to learn it's cancer doesn't totally prepare you though. Even though we don't know for sure and won't for 48-72 hours, we having a feeling. One of those gut feelings. He's pretty sick.  Yellow is not a very becoming color on him. 

Thankfully they were able to do a biopsy today and get a good sample.  So now we're waiting to get the biopsy results.  Once the results are in the doctors will have a better idea what they're dealing with and will be able to make a game plan to deal with it.

We're still praying for wisdom for the doctors and peace for all three of us.  Dad's still in pain but has been hungry so we're thankful for that.  We're also very thankful for the nurses.  They have been wonderful and I'm thankful for their compassion and professional care of my daddy.  Another prayer request would be for traffic; it takes us at least an hour and a half one way due to traffic...it's hard and tiring.

Small Town

I'm in my parents house in the town I grew up in.  We moved here when I was 3.  I went to school from kindergarten through high school here.  This is where I came home to from college and from Asia.  I worked in the middle school I attended for three and a half years.  This place is comfortable.  I've been gone for two year but the back roads are still familiar.  There have been changes but nothing huge.  A girl I went to high school with opened a consignment shop in town and I stopped by to see it; she recognized me and we chatted for a bit.  This is "home."  I think this song is very fitting:

Small Town by John Melloncamp

Don't forget to head over to Goodnight Moon to link up!

10 Months

I am so proud of The Man!  As of yesterday, September 13, he's been sober for 10 months.  At this time last year I wasn't sure he'd ever be sober!  It hasn't been an easy journey but it has been worth it.

It was in late August of last year that The Man went to his command and told him he wanted help with his drinking.  They brought him to SARP (Substance Abuse Rehabilitation Program) and he had to do tons of paperwork.  It was a few weeks later that he started the program.  Those few weeks were hard and by the time he started he wanted nothing to do with the program.  He had changed his mind.  He was hoping that he could get his drinking under control and that he could say and do the right things to make them think that he was doing great.  He entered the program thinking that he would still be able to drink.  And drink he did.  In secret since it wasn't allowed as part of the program.  It caused problems but that's a whole different blog post!

Baby, I'm so proud of you! 

The Turner Joy

The Man and I decided to go into Seattle for the day one weekend.  We enjoy taking the ferry so he looked up the schedule and we decided that we'd take the 10 o'clock ferry.  We park and start waking towards the ferry.  We have some time so we decide to stop at Starbucks to get drink to take with us on the ferry.  We start walking towards the ferry when we realize that it's pulling away from the dock.  We scratched our heads in wonder because it wasn't yet 10.  We ask a worker and she said that the ferry leaves at 9:45 not 10.  It turns out that The Man read the ferry schedule for leaving Seattle!  The next ferry wasn't until 11:10 so we had a little over an hour to kill.  We decided to walk along the Bermerton Boardwalk.  At the end is the ship Turner Joy that is now a museum.  We've talked about touring it but never have.  What better way to kill an hour?  Added bonus is that this is on my 101 in 1001 so I'm able to cross another item off.

 A plaque on the boardwalk remembering the men lost in the Viet Nam War on the Turner Joy.  I found it interesting considering I've been where this boat has been.

 Looking to the ship from the bow

Looking out from the bridge

Enjoying the Captain's quarters

Enlisted berthing. The Man commented that they have thicker mattresses!

I could tell I'm sub wife...I was surprised that they had a post office!

 In the mess hall....it's huge!

The Turner Joy in all her glory

Dad

If you're not a personal friend of mine on Facebook or follow me on Twitter, you may be surprised to learn that I'm in MA.  I made an unexpected last minuted trip home due to my father's health late last week.

My dad was admitted to the ER on the Friday before Labor Day with a fever and high sugar levels.  Being a  diabetic, that's a problem.  They diagnosed him with an infection.  They kept him until late Monday evening and then sent him home.  He had a follow up appointment on Wednesday and they admitted him again.  I asked my mom if she needed me to come out and she immediately said yes.  I got online, found tickets, rearranged life in WA and was on a plane heading East in less than 24 hours.

I asked knowing she was going to say yes.  I'm so glad I came.  I didn't realize just how bad dad is.  I'm at complete peace about being here.  My parents need me right now.  Dad was so happy to see me.  My mom is slightly less stressed with me here.  I'm able to help shoulder some of the burden and she is feeling a little better.

When I first saw dad I was shocked.  He's jaundice and I have never seen anyone this yellow.  He could almost be called a glow worm he's so yellow.  You can't tell in the picture but he really is yellow.  He's also in a lot of pain and is very tired.  His color has gotten a little better during the past three days I've been here which is nice.  However he hasn't been feeling better which is a little discouraging.

Dad's been sick for about 22 years.  He's survived cancer three times- colon cancer twice and pancreatic cancer once.  It's a miracle that's he's alive.  The medical community cannot explain why he's still here.  Now his liver is failing.  He has cirrhosis due to his illnesses and medications.  We knew this was coming one day.  It's just very hard now that it's here.

He'll be getting a liver biopsy so they can figure out if the mass in his liver is a tumor or if it's just an infection.  There's also a growth is his stomach that they'll be biopsying.  They are using the word cancer so it's a possibility, one that doesn't surprise us.  His cancer has been going from organ to organ so it makes since that the liver might be next.

We're praying for doctors to have wisdom as dad has is procedure, comfort for dad that he will find relief from the pain and peace for Mom & I as we wait for results and wisdom to figure out what is best for dad (along with what he wants of course!)

Thank you for those of you that have checked in with me to see how he's doing and for your prayers.  Thank you for coming along side of us.  It's so hard to see a love one sick and knowing that others are praying means a lot.  Thank you.

09.11.01

Nyack College, Nyack, New York.  Approximately 25 miles north of NYC.

It started out as a normal day. I had stayed up way too late the night before so I was sleeping in. It was my senior year of college and I had planned this semester well.  I only had two classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays and the first didn't start until 10am.  I had it down to a science...I could roll out of bed at 9 and be showered, dressed with makeup and hair done in enough time to grab a quick bite to eat in my room before heading to class.

On this particular Tuesday morning I was rudely awakened by the phone.  I looked at my clock and saw that I had about 10 more minutes to sleep...when you're in college, every minute of sleep counts!  I picked up the phone and said a groggy hello.  I heard my mom asking me if I was ok in a panicky voice.  I told her that I was fine.  I didn't understand why I wouldn't be.  I had just talked to her the day before.

She told me that a plane had been hijacked and had crashed into one of the Twin Towers.  I assured her again that I was OK.  After hanging up with mom I hopped online.  I had AOL at the time and I immediately started chatting with friends about what was going on.  I was also reading all the news stories that were up and looking at the photos.  While I was chatting with a friend a plane hit the other tower.  She told me to get to a TV so I raced downstairs to the lounge of my dorm.  There were a bunch of people there and everyone was staring at the TV.  Some had tears running down their faces and others were holding hands for support.  We watched as they replayed the footage over and over again of the planes crashing into the buildings.  I didn't see it live but I did see it over and over again in replays.  To this day I don't need to see the footage to remember it; it's been imprinted in my memory.  They continued to show it over and over again.  It was chaos.

None of us moved.  More people joined us.  We were watching the live report when the South Tower fell.  People were praying and we couldn't tear ourselves away.  I was still watching when the North Tower collapsed.  We were all in shock.  Most of us skipped our classes...who could think of going to class when this devastation was going on?

Through out all of this there was news of a plane hitting the pentagon and of Flight 91 crashing in PA.  We heard about the other events and were horrified at how widespread it was.  I was mostly focused on the Twin Towers as they were practically in our backyard.  It was so close and yet so far away.  I was having a hard time wrapping my head around any of this.  It was just too much death and destruction for me to make sense of. 

At some point during the day the wind shifted.  It was subtle at first and then grew stronger.  We could smell the carnage.  It made it even more real to me.  It wasn't a pleasant smell and even then I had a hard time describing it.  I haven't smelled it since and I hope I never do again.  I was told that if you went the hill behind the school, could see the smoke from the city.  I didn't go see it as smelling it was enough for me. 

The world wasn't same after that Tuesday morning.  We had seen how much some people in the world hate the United States.  We had seen massive destruction and loss of life.  We had seen bravery and courage.  We the people of the United States have continued living but we have not forgotten.  We will not forget. It shaped who we are as a nation today. It helped shape who I am today. I can't talk about that day without getting emotional. I can't hear the national anthem or the pledge without getting teary.  Just as the bombing of Pearl Harbor shaped that generation, we have been shaped but this event. 

How was 9/11 affected you? 

Source

I know I didn't add pictures.  Maybe they would have broken up the text and made it easier to read.  However I don't need to see the pictures to remember and I'm guessing that if you lived through it, you don't either.  If you really want or need to see photos, you can go here.  They have plenty.