Me, 8 Months Later

Munchkin has changed a lot in the past 8 months.  It’s too be expected, as she’s a baby and babies grow!  Someone else has changed and I don’t think we take the time to notice those changes. 

I’ve changed.  I’ve become a mom. I’m learning new things and have taken on new responsibilities.  There are good days and and not so good days.  Sadly, I can let the not so good days overwhelm me and overshadow the good and great days. 

I’ve let Munchkin’s birth overshadow the past eight months.  It was not what I wanted at all.  While I was expecting to have things not go according to plan, it went way off course.  The c-section is not what I wanted in any way, shape or form.  It happened and I can’t change that.  So I’ve spent the past 8 months trying to figure out how I could have avoided it.  I’ve replayed the birth so many times in my head that if it was a VHS tape it would have died  by now. 

Part of my problem is that I feel like I failed.  That it was totally my fault and that I could have done something to prevent it.  I needed a counselor to remind me that labor and birth are complex processes and while a lot of it is on me there are other people to factor into the equation, like the baby, my support team and the doctors.  I can’t reduce what happened to simple terms.  There were so many factors playing into what happened, from the GD, to the induction and to Munchkin not engaging.  There is no easy answer for how the c-section could have been avoided.

I’ve had people telling me that I did a great job.  That was really hard to hear and believe when I didn’t believe it myself.  I felt like I had failed. That I had failed in my first job as a mom, to give birth. That I failed my daughter.  I hate that I couldn’t push her out and that she had to be cut out of me instead.  I hate that damn scar. It sits low on my belly, mocking me.  It’s proof that I failed.  The stretch marks don’t bother me but I wish I could rip that scar off my body.  Thankfully it’s hard to see.

It’s helped to have someone tell me that it’s ok to be upset with how Munchkin’s birth happened.  I needed to hear that, to know that it is OK to be unhappy with how the birth happened.  I’m still forgiving myself for what I see as a failure.  Talking about it has helped.  Munchkin has helped too.

Right now she doesn’t care how she was born. She’s just happy to be with me.  Happy to be standing, holding onto my hands or my legs.  I’m her most favorite person in the whole world (for now anyway!)  She squeals and gives me a huge hug when she sees me again after a separation. She doesn’t think I failed her.  I think that I need to learn to see myself through my daughter’s eyes. 

Even though we’re not pregnant, I’ve started to think about the next one a little bit.  My goal is to have a VBAC.  I’m doing my best to not stress about it already.  As The Man reminded me, in the words of C.S. Lewis in Prince Caspian: Nothing happens the same way twice. For that, I say AMEN!

8 Months

Munchkin’s been doing her job and she’s getting bigger and learning new and exciting things, like clapping.  She loves standing.  She has absolutely no desire to crawl. Why crawl when you can scoot on your bum and pull yourself up?  She’s not too great at pulling herself up using objects like the sofa but when she can grasp onto someone’s fingers she’s a pro. 

I’m still her favorite person.  I’m not complaining but it does make it harder when I’m alone at church.  There are plenty of people who would love to hold her.  I pass her over but even with me standing right there she cries and screams.  If I leave it’s no better.  My mama heart can’t take it for too long so she usually doesn’t hang out with other people too often.  She also rarely smiles at church. She’s too busy taking everything in.

She  loves her daddy a lot.  She loves it when he bounces with her on the exercise ball.  She just puts her head on his shoulder and holds on, content to be held.  She also loves it when he comes home from work.  She’s all smiles and excitement.  She knows she’s the center of our world!

Menu Planning Monday

I have a love hate relationship with menu planning.  I hate actually doing it but I love having it done.  When I first started menu planning, I just planned meals that we’d be having that week and made sure we had what we needed.  Then we needed to lower our grocery budget.  To make that happen, I started assigning meals to a certain day.  This way I can make sure to use overlapping ingredients before they go bad.  I love doing it this way because I don’t have to think about what’s for dinner…I just check the meal plan.  If for some reason we really don’t want what I had planned, I make something else, normally spaghetti.  It doesn’t happen all that often.

I plan in two week increments, so here’s what we’re eating for the next two weeks:

Monday: Pasta with Italian Sausage, Kale & Beans

Tuesday: Family Burrito Bake from The Pampered Chef’s Dinner in Your Deep Covered Baker (I call this recipe crack because it’s sooo good!)

Wednesday: Crockpot Cream Cheese Chicken over Noodles

Thursday: Chorizo, Collard Green and Garlic Stew over Rice

Friday: Steak, Baked Potato, Cauliflower Casserole

Saturday: Loaded Baked Potato Chowder (lunch)

Chicken & Broccoli Alfredo (dinner; The Man cooks)

Sunday (Easter): Ham, Stuffing, Bacon wrapped Asparagus

Monday: Homemade Hamburger Helper

Tuesday: Chicken & Rice Casserole

Wednesday: 15 Minute Skillet Cassoulet

Thursday: Crockpot Flank Steak, Roasted Potatoes, Broccoli bites

Friday: Fajita Wantons & Eggrolls

Saturday: Crockpot Chicken Enchilada Soup

I use pinterest to keep track of recipes.  I just pin things that look yummy and go back and check it out when I’m menu planning.  The italicized items are new recipes that we’re trying.  I’m hoping they are all yummy!

What are you eating this week?

I’m linking up with The Young Retiree and Taingamala for Menu Planning Monday.

A Lesson in Worry

25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?

Matthew 6:25-27

I know what the Word says about worry and how we shouldn’t do it.  I must admit that this is an area where I struggle.  I’m a worrier.  Yesterday has been a HUGE lesson and reminder for me on why I shouldn’t worry.

I was worried about three things regarding the colonoscopy:  1). The anesthesia 2). Breastfeeding the baby and 3). The results.  I know I shouldn’t have worried about any of them but I did anyway.  I shouldn’t have!

The anesthesia was a breeze.  The nurse who puts in the IV does multiple ones every day and it was a breeze.  The medicine, once it was put in my IV, worked quickly and effectively.  I did not wake up or if I did, I don’t remember it.  Since I have memories of waking up in previous procedures, this is huge for me.

Secondly, after talking with the certified nurse anesthesiologist I found out that I could breastfeed Munchkin! I was advised to pump and dump when I got home but that I could feed her after that.  The medicine leaves the system pretty quickly and since she’s 8 months old it isn’t a huge issue.  Munchkin was very, very happy about this.  I fed her last around 8.  My procedure was at 9 and we were on our way home at 10. We stopped to pick up a rotisserie chicken for lunch.  We ate once we got home (Munchkin LOVES chicken) and then I took a 3 hour nap.  As I was waking up I heard her fussing.  The Man distracted her with some veggies but as soon as she saw me she started crying! I got a BIG hug and snuggles from her.  Once I pumped and dumped, she happily latched on and did not want to let go at all, even as she was falling asleep.  She’s a happy camper right now!

Lastly, the results.  I thought I remembered having polyps last time I had a colonoscopy (sorry if that’s TMI!)  I thought they had removed them.  I’m not sure if they confirmed that in my records but knowing that I was expecting them to find polyps.  Knowing my dad’s history, I was certain they were going to find some.  I was imagining worst case scenarios, like it being cancer and me dying.  I was already trying to figure out what life events I needed to write letters for to give to Munchkin when they would happen.  Ok, so maybe I can be a little dramatic!  You can imagine my relief when they told me that I had no polyps! Not even ONE! All that worry and stress for no reason.

So I guess the message has been receive, loud and clear Lord.  Leave the worrying to you!

Today

I haven’t been looking forward to today for about a month now.  Due to my dad being diagnosed with colon cancer when he was in his mid 30’s, I get to be checked for it as well.  I’ve been checked on and off since I was 9 so it’s not like it’s my first time getting a colonoscopy.

While I don’t enjoy them, the actual procedure isn’t too bad.  It’s the prep and for me, the IV.  I hate IVs with a passion.  I had a really bad experience as a kid getting on (for a colonoscopy no less!)  I’ll be honest, the prep this time wasn’t as bad as in the past.  It gets a little easier every time!

So three things are on my mind today as a result of this:

1.  The stupid IV. Hate, hate, hate that thing. 

2.  As a result of waking up in the past during the procedure and remembering, I get to have deep sedation.  As a result I was told that I can’t breastfeed for 24 hours.  That’s a long time! My poor baby is going to be beside herself.  I’ve tried pumping and have gotten very little.  I’ve taken what little I has stored in the freezer out to defrost.  Last time we tried to give Munchkin frozen breast milk she refused it.  So we might be trying formula (except that she refused that last time too…) 

3.  The results.  I know my days are numbered (Psalm 139:16) and whatever is found today doesn’t change that.  I’m still nervous though.  I’d appreciate prayer.  Thanks so much!

I’m off to snuggle and feed my baby, finish prepping and daydream about the chicken I’m going to eat when this in done!

You Did What?!?

I don’t know if you’ve seen the article about Holly Madison saying she is going to encapsulate her placenta and take it after she gives birth.  It’s been all over my Facebook newsfeed.  If you haven’t, you can click on the blue text and you can read an article on it.  I mean really, who eats their placenta?  It’s just a crazy celebrity thing, not something a normal person a normal person would do, right?

Wrong.

Normal people do encapsulate their placenta.  How do I know this?  Because I did.  I’ll do it again too, with my next child.  Did you know that some people actually eat it raw, in a smoothie?  That was a little much for me.  Having it in a capsule form is much more convenient and less ick for me.  (In case you’re wondering, the red capsules are cherry flavored and the clear ones are plain.  I prefer the plain ones!)

You’re probably thinking “Less ICK?  Are you KIDDING me? WHY would you do such a thing?”  That’s a good question.  There are several benefits from taking your placenta.  They include a decrease in baby blues/postpartum depression, an increase in breast milk, increase in energy, decrease in lochia (postpartum bleeding) and iron deficiency and a decrease in insomnia/sleeping disorders.  I was very concerned that I was going to have PPD (postpartum depression) after Munchkin was born.  I had asked The Man and my mom to be on the look out for it.  I wanted to have the placenta on hand to help out with it in case I needed it.

I feel that taking my placenta did help.  I think it  did help with energy and milk production, and my bleeding was light (though lasted for several weeks.)  I didn’t take all my capsules right after Munchkin was born and in the months since I’ve taken them whenever I’ve felt tired.  I can see a difference.

I was right to be concerned about the PPD.  I didn’t get it right after the baby was born.  I have it now.  That’s why I haven’t been posting much.  I think I’m starting to come out the other side but it’s still hard.  I’m seeing a counselor and The Man has cut back his schedule to be home more to help me out.  I also started taking my placenta again and it helped.  It’s AMAZING.  I can’t tell you what a difference it has made.  It has helped me get out of the fog and to have some energy again. 

So while I know this grosses some of you out, don’t knock it till you’ve tried it.  I get that’s it not for everyone but you don’t have to be negative about it (someone told me they consider cannibalism. Really?!?) I kept it a secret because I didn’t want to deal with people’s reaction.  I’m at the point though, where I don’t care, especially if it could help someone.  Some women save them and take them during menopause, which I’ve also heard is very beneficial. 

I got 162 capsules out of my placenta and I’m almost out. It will be a sad, sad day in this house when they are all gone.  In case you’re wondering, I didn’t do it myself.  My doula did it for me and I had them about a day and half after giving birth.  I started taking them while I was still in the hospital.  I store them in my fridge in that pretty blue jar.

I think that if you’ve had PPD before, or a history of depression, this is something for you to consider.  Not that you HAVE to do it, but just think about it and do a little research.

Did you encapsulate your placenta? 

If not, is it something you would consider? 

Why or why not?