Waiting

~This is a scheduled post, written a couple of weeks ago~

I'm really bad at waiting sometimes.

OK, most of the time.

I'm currently waiting

for my monthly friend.

I just want to know

if I'm pregnant or not.

This wait can be so hard.

It's the unknown

and the possibilities 

that are so exciting.

Dealing with infertility is not fun.

It sucks.

It sucks 

to have that friend

show up

month

after

month

after

month.

I wonder...

What are we doing wrong?

Is there something wrong with me?

I want to be pregnant

so badly.

When I'm hoping,

I'm on the mountain top.

I'm so high,

certain that

this month

is OUR month.

When I realize that

I'm not pregnant

yet again

I'm dropped

into a pit.

Every month

it feels like
the pit gets 

deeper

and 

deeper

and

deeper.

The cycle continues...

up and down,

up and down,

up and down.  

Part of me doesn't

want to take a test.

Then I'll know
a little more

for sure.

 I don't want it

to be a no.

It could be

YES

but
what if 

it isn't?

I'll be dropped
into that pit
again...