With Munchkin, I wanted and prepared for an unmedicated, natural birth. I didn’t want any medications, I just wanted to do it naturally the way women have been doing it for centuries. I took a natural birthing class, hired a doula and had my support team of my husband and my mom on board with it. While I did a little research in c-sections, just in case, I didn’t really think I would need one. That joke was on me because that’s exactly what I ended up with. However, I only agreed to the c-section on the condition that I could try for a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) with our next child.
To say I was crushed is an understatement. I replayed my induction, labor and delivery over and over again in my head…at least once a day, every day for 6 months. I wondered at every decision we had made and tried to second guess what would have happened if we had made a different choice. It’s no wonder that I was diagnosed with PPD (postpartum depression) 6 months after Munchkin was born. Her birth was traumatic for me. It didn’t go the way I wanted and I was devastated (even though I thought I was prepared for it not going the way I thought it would.) It took talking to a psychologist to help me feel better and start to accept/deal with what happened.
Most of the time I’m ok with how it all played out. Sometimes I still get angry about it. I can’t count the number of tears I have cried over it, enough to fill a pond at least. Munchkin has helped tremendously with my acceptance. She doesn’t care how she was born. She cares that I’m her Mama and that I love her. I cuddle her, kiss her, wipe away tears, kiss boo-boos, dispense band-aids and snacks, work the remote controls, change diapers, make sure she has clean clothes and good food to eat, play puzzles and read books and tickle her. She doesn’t care that I didn’t push her out of my vagina. It doesn’t matter how she was born. I’m still her mama, whether she was pushed out of my uterus or taken out of it through an incision cut into it. Maybe she will care when she’s older but I kinda doubt it. I know I don’t care how my mom got me out, I’m just thankful I’m here and that she and my dad took good care of me as kid.
With Punkin, I’m staring a repeat c-section in the face. I’m so close to it and I’m so close to just scheduling it and being done with the thoughts of having a VABC (vaginal birth after cesarean) Medically a c-section will most likely make the most sense. I totally understand that I could go against the advice of doctors but gestational diabetes is not something I take lightly. I’d rather have a healthy baby born via c-section than a stillborn one because the placenta broke down and stopped doing it’s job. So while I think that an unmedicated childbirth is best for mom and baby, I also know that there are so many reasons why it might not happen. Not everyone has an uncomplicated pregnancy. I think the key to remember (at least for me) is that that’s ok. Just like every other mom, I’m doing my best to have a healthy, happy, productive child. There’s no need to feel guilty because my children have not been born in the “ideal way.” It’s very possible that for me, with the issues I have during pregnancy, that a c section is the best way to birth my babies. I think (and hope) that I’m finally accepting that.