Munchkin has changed a lot in the past 8 months. It’s too be expected, as she’s a baby and babies grow! Someone else has changed and I don’t think we take the time to notice those changes.
I’ve changed. I’ve become a mom. I’m learning new things and have taken on new responsibilities. There are good days and and not so good days. Sadly, I can let the not so good days overwhelm me and overshadow the good and great days.
I’ve let Munchkin’s birth overshadow the past eight months. It was not what I wanted at all. While I was expecting to have things not go according to plan, it went way off course. The c-section is not what I wanted in any way, shape or form. It happened and I can’t change that. So I’ve spent the past 8 months trying to figure out how I could have avoided it. I’ve replayed the birth so many times in my head that if it was a VHS tape it would have died by now.
Part of my problem is that I feel like I failed. That it was totally my fault and that I could have done something to prevent it. I needed a counselor to remind me that labor and birth are complex processes and while a lot of it is on me there are other people to factor into the equation, like the baby, my support team and the doctors. I can’t reduce what happened to simple terms. There were so many factors playing into what happened, from the GD, to the induction and to Munchkin not engaging. There is no easy answer for how the c-section could have been avoided.
I’ve had people telling me that I did a great job. That was really hard to hear and believe when I didn’t believe it myself. I felt like I had failed. That I had failed in my first job as a mom, to give birth. That I failed my daughter. I hate that I couldn’t push her out and that she had to be cut out of me instead. I hate that damn scar. It sits low on my belly, mocking me. It’s proof that I failed. The stretch marks don’t bother me but I wish I could rip that scar off my body. Thankfully it’s hard to see.
It’s helped to have someone tell me that it’s ok to be upset with how Munchkin’s birth happened. I needed to hear that, to know that it is OK to be unhappy with how the birth happened. I’m still forgiving myself for what I see as a failure. Talking about it has helped. Munchkin has helped too.
Right now she doesn’t care how she was born. She’s just happy to be with me. Happy to be standing, holding onto my hands or my legs. I’m her most favorite person in the whole world (for now anyway!) She squeals and gives me a huge hug when she sees me again after a separation. She doesn’t think I failed her. I think that I need to learn to see myself through my daughter’s eyes.
Even though we’re not pregnant, I’ve started to think about the next one a little bit. My goal is to have a VBAC. I’m doing my best to not stress about it already. As The Man reminded me, in the words of C.S. Lewis in Prince Caspian: Nothing happens the same way twice. For that, I say AMEN!