A Lesson in Worry

25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?

Matthew 6:25-27

I know what the Word says about worry and how we shouldn’t do it.  I must admit that this is an area where I struggle.  I’m a worrier.  Yesterday has been a HUGE lesson and reminder for me on why I shouldn’t worry.

I was worried about three things regarding the colonoscopy:  1). The anesthesia 2). Breastfeeding the baby and 3). The results.  I know I shouldn’t have worried about any of them but I did anyway.  I shouldn’t have!

The anesthesia was a breeze.  The nurse who puts in the IV does multiple ones every day and it was a breeze.  The medicine, once it was put in my IV, worked quickly and effectively.  I did not wake up or if I did, I don’t remember it.  Since I have memories of waking up in previous procedures, this is huge for me.

Secondly, after talking with the certified nurse anesthesiologist I found out that I could breastfeed Munchkin! I was advised to pump and dump when I got home but that I could feed her after that.  The medicine leaves the system pretty quickly and since she’s 8 months old it isn’t a huge issue.  Munchkin was very, very happy about this.  I fed her last around 8.  My procedure was at 9 and we were on our way home at 10. We stopped to pick up a rotisserie chicken for lunch.  We ate once we got home (Munchkin LOVES chicken) and then I took a 3 hour nap.  As I was waking up I heard her fussing.  The Man distracted her with some veggies but as soon as she saw me she started crying! I got a BIG hug and snuggles from her.  Once I pumped and dumped, she happily latched on and did not want to let go at all, even as she was falling asleep.  She’s a happy camper right now!

Lastly, the results.  I thought I remembered having polyps last time I had a colonoscopy (sorry if that’s TMI!)  I thought they had removed them.  I’m not sure if they confirmed that in my records but knowing that I was expecting them to find polyps.  Knowing my dad’s history, I was certain they were going to find some.  I was imagining worst case scenarios, like it being cancer and me dying.  I was already trying to figure out what life events I needed to write letters for to give to Munchkin when they would happen.  Ok, so maybe I can be a little dramatic!  You can imagine my relief when they told me that I had no polyps! Not even ONE! All that worry and stress for no reason.

So I guess the message has been receive, loud and clear Lord.  Leave the worrying to you!

Today

I haven’t been looking forward to today for about a month now.  Due to my dad being diagnosed with colon cancer when he was in his mid 30’s, I get to be checked for it as well.  I’ve been checked on and off since I was 9 so it’s not like it’s my first time getting a colonoscopy.

While I don’t enjoy them, the actual procedure isn’t too bad.  It’s the prep and for me, the IV.  I hate IVs with a passion.  I had a really bad experience as a kid getting on (for a colonoscopy no less!)  I’ll be honest, the prep this time wasn’t as bad as in the past.  It gets a little easier every time!

So three things are on my mind today as a result of this:

1.  The stupid IV. Hate, hate, hate that thing. 

2.  As a result of waking up in the past during the procedure and remembering, I get to have deep sedation.  As a result I was told that I can’t breastfeed for 24 hours.  That’s a long time! My poor baby is going to be beside herself.  I’ve tried pumping and have gotten very little.  I’ve taken what little I has stored in the freezer out to defrost.  Last time we tried to give Munchkin frozen breast milk she refused it.  So we might be trying formula (except that she refused that last time too…) 

3.  The results.  I know my days are numbered (Psalm 139:16) and whatever is found today doesn’t change that.  I’m still nervous though.  I’d appreciate prayer.  Thanks so much!

I’m off to snuggle and feed my baby, finish prepping and daydream about the chicken I’m going to eat when this in done!

Peace

The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised.

Job 1:21b

Daddy has gone home. 

He fought the good fight.

He is at peace.

At 10 pm on September 20 I gave daddy the meds to keep him comfortable. It had been a rough day as his breathing had gotten louder due to the fluids building up in his lungs. I gave him a kiss goodnight and told him I loved him. I told him that I was so glad that God had given him to me as my daddy, that he was the best dad. I also told him that he was doing a great job and that I was proud of him. I headed to bed but I couldn't fall asleep.  Around 11:30 I heard mom get up; she was sleeping in the same room as dad. I got up and headed in.  She saw me coming and told me that she thought he was gone.  He was quiet and it had woken her up.  I felt him and he was still warm but his chest wasn't moving and we couldn't find a pulse.  Tears started but there was peace.  Daddy was no longer in pain and he is with Jesus.  We talked to daddy, cried, gave him more kisses.  I'm very glad that mom and I had that time with him.  Joey, his dog didn't want to get on the bed with him but looked at him from the other bed.  Poe, my parent's cat jumped up on the bed and settled on his chest.  She laid her head on his hand and curled into it and kept moving her head so he was petting her.  She got her time with him to say goodbye.

We called hospice and a nurse came.  She got here pretty quickly.  We were pretty happy that it was the nurse that first came when Dad came home.  She is wonderful and I'm so thankful for her support.  Everyone with hospice was amazing; from our aid to the other nurses, they treated dad with compassion, kindness and kept his dignity. 

Mom told me that after I gave dad his meds she told him that she loved him, was proud of him, and that he was a good a faithful servant.  She reassured him that we would be fine and that it was ok for him to go home.  As she got into bed she said "I love you hun." 

Dad went home in God's time.  While there were tears there was also peace.  In addition to the peace there was joy.  One of the first things I said was "He's home!  He's not in pain anymore!"  It's been surreal.  I can't explain the sorrow, joy and peace I have all at one time.  I can say that it is truly well with my soul.

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

John 14:27

Eternity Matters

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

~Romans 8:28

We believe in the Truth.  Not truth as the world tells us, not truth that changes with the times but absolute Truth.  Truth that does not change and is consistent.  It is this Truth that tells us of the life to come.  This life is short....we are here today and gone tomorrow.  It is filled with pain and suffering.  It is but a shadow of the life to come.  I believe without a doubt that there is a life to come.  You will be in one of two places when you die: with God or without God.  Where you go is up to you...only you get to decide where you will spend eternity.  This isn't a matter to be taken lightly.  I know that not all of my readers will agree with me.  Some of you may even be offended.  oh well.  This is Truth.  Regardless if you believe it or not, the Truth stands.  You may realized too late that it is unchanging, absolute Truth.  I hope that you will consider eternity now and not when it's too late

We didn't always believe this.  God used the bad to bring about good.  Daddy wouldn't have changed anything about the past because he saw the good it brought.

In 1993 dad was diagnosed with cancer for the third time.  This time it was in his pancreas.  That's a scary diagnosis to get because it is very hard to cure.  It seemed like the end was close (not that I knew it at the time.  Mom and dad were very good about keeping scary stuff from as as they wanted me to have a normal childhood. I didn't know how serious it was until much later).  The doctors told us that there was a surgery option called a Whipple.  I think the doctor gave us somewhere around 5-10% survival rate.  The odds weren't good but since it was really our only option, we did it.  The surgery took place on December 22, 1993.  Miraculously he survived.  Chemo and radiation followed and he was in the hospital for a long time.

A friend of dad's from work, who was also a pastor would visit pretty often.  He shared with him about Jesus.  That Jesus is God and that he lived a perfect, sinless life on earth.  That he died on the cross for his (and mine and your) sins.  That death could not overcome Jesus and Jesus rose again and is now at the right hand of God in heaven.  That we can't do anything to earn salvation, that it is a free gift.  Dad believed and a short time later so did I.  Mom reconfirmed her faith.  Our new faith helped us and our church was amazing and supportive and prayed along side us for his recovery.
  
And recover he did.  Dad came home and the doctors were amazed.  They had no medical explanation of why he lived.  The years rolled by and the doctors remained amazed.  We knew that God had healed him and that God had things for him to do.  Dad taught and discipled people.  He has a great love for God's word.  He loved to read it and dig into it.  He LOVED the commentaries I used in my college classes and he used them long after I stopped using them.  Dad and I would have great theological conversations at dinner.  He loved God.

It's been 18 years since he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.  There are have many trips to the hospital since then along with numerous doctors visits and ongoing health concerns.  Through it all he remained positive and praised God.  He never blamed God for his health issues.  He never got angry and blamed him.  Instead he thanked God that he was still here.  Dad accomplished the things God had prepared in advance for him to do.  Dad is now on his way home...his real home.  The one that he's been looking forward to.  I will see him there again.  Dad will have his new body and there will be no more cancer and no more pain.  He will be with our friend Jimmy and will be waiting for mom and I join him. 

Ephesians 2:8-9

For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast.

The Longest Day

2 Corinthians 12:9

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

Today has felt so long.  Time is moving so slowly and yet, quickly at the same time.  Daddy spends most of the time asleep now.  Because his liver isn't functioning, toxins are building up in his body and it is shutting down.  This morning he did open his eyes several times and was able to answer questions, like if he was ok, in pain and if he wanted something to drink.  And by answer I mean mumble and nod.  As the day progressed he took longer to answer and sometimes doesn't respond at all.  This evening hasn't been that great.  He's been a little restless and is coughing.  It's hard. So hard.

I was ok this morning.  It's gotten harder as the day has gone on.  It's hitting home more, that he's dying.  I'm having a hard time picturing a future without him in it.  Tears are always close to the surface.  My mom told me jokingly that I would have made a wonderful professional mourner back in the day.  I'm a crier and no one is surprised by this.  In the sorrow there is joy and peace.  I am so upset for me but overjoyed for dad.  His pain and suffering will soon be over and I KNOW that he will be in a better place.  If I didn't know that I would be a wreck.  There are moments when I don't know how I'm going to get through this.  My heavenly father keeps reminding me that his grace is sufficient and that I can do all things through Jesus...that he is my strength.  I know I can't do this on my own.  Thank you Lord, that I am no alone.

A month ago my parents were kayaking.  When Mom brought Dad to the hospital 2 weeks ago we never thought this is how it was going to turn out.  We've taken him to the hospital so many times that the idea that he was this sick wasn't on our radar.  The doctor did tell us that this is one of the best ways to go.  He's going to be sleeping more and more and at some point, he's not going to wake up.  It's pretty painless.  I think it's harder on us.  We're taking care of him and waiting.  Just waiting.  It's so hard to do.





My thoughts are a little all over the place.  I apologize if they are hard to follow.  I wanted to write some of them down to help me sort through them and so I'll have a record.  I have a feeling that looking back on this is going to be a little bit of a blur.

Philippians 4:13

I can do all this through him who gives me strength. 

Romans 8:28

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Psalm 139

As I try to come to terms with my dad dying, Psalm 139 keeps coming to mind.

It wasn't dad's time 20 years ago.

It is now.

My God is not surprised by this; 

He's known this day was coming since the beginning of time.

How can I argue with that?

Daddy was here while I grew up, 

watched me graduate high school and college,

supported me while I lived in Asia

and walked me down the aisle.

However, I cry every time I think about the fact

that he will never hold my babies,
never get to play his grandchildren.

But through my tears I am choosing to be thankful
for the time and experiences we've had.

Thank you Lord, for my daddy.

The bold italicized portions are the parts I am finding particular comforting right now.

Psalm 139

You have searched me, LORD,
   and you know me.
² You know when I sit and when I rise;
   you perceive my thoughts from afar.
³ You discern my going out and my lying down;
   you are familiar with all my ways.
⁴ Before a word is on my tongue
   you, LORD, know it completely.
⁵ You hem me in behind and before,
   and you lay your hand upon me.
⁶ Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
   too lofty for me to attain.

 ⁷ Where can I go from your Spirit?
   Where can I flee from your presence?
⁸ If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
   if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
⁹ If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
   if I settle on the far side of the sea,
¹⁰ even there your hand will guide me,
   your right hand will hold me fast.
¹¹ If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
   and the light become night around me,”
¹² even the darkness will not be dark to you;
   the night will shine like the day,
   for darkness is as light to you.

 ¹³ For you created my inmost being;
   you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
   your works are wonderful,
   I know that full well.
¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you
   when I was made in the secret place,
   when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
¹⁶ Your eyes saw my unformed body;
   all the days ordained for me were written in your book
   before one of them came to be.
¹⁷ How precious to me are your thoughts,^[a] God!
   How vast is the sum of them!
¹⁸ Were I to count them,
   they would outnumber the grains of sand—
   when I awake, I am still with you.

 ¹⁹ If only you, God, would slay the wicked!
   Away from me, you who are bloodthirsty!
²⁰ They speak of you with evil intent;
   your adversaries misuse your name.
²¹ Do I not hate those who hate you, LORD,
   and abhor those who are in rebellion against you?
²² I have nothing but hatred for them;
   I count them my enemies.
²³ Search me, God, and know my heart;
   test me and know my anxious thoughts.
²⁴ See if there is any offensive way in me,
   and lead me in the way everlasting.

Hard

It doesn't matter if you're expecting the diagnosis.
It's still hard to hear.
The cancer is back.
It's aggressive and very serious;
It wasn't there two month ago.

My daddy is dying.

We're bring him home tomorrow with hospice.
We were given the option of doing chemo and/or radiation.
The three of us talked and decided that it wasn't worth it
for maybe having a few more months.

There is no cure
only a delaying the inevitable.

It was the hardest decision we've ever had to make.

There peace is in knowing that daddy believes.

Dad believes that Jesus died and rose again for his sins.

I believe he will be in heaven when he is no longer here

and that I'll see him again there.

Once he's there, there will be no more pain and his body will be whole again.

I'm staying in MA until the end.

I took care of him before when he was sick

and I'll do it again now.

It's a surreal feeling.
I haven't totally wrapped my head around the fact that he's dying.
I've cried a lot already;
I know more tears are coming.

Dad update

Thank you friends, for your kind comments, encouragement and prayers.  They mean more to me than I can say.  A thank you seems too simple but that's all I have.  Thank you.

My mom and I headed into the hospital early today (Sept. 14) so we could talk to the doctor about dad.  Let's just say it isn't good. We're not surprised.

Yesterday they were hoping to place a larger stient in his liver. They were unable to do so. There is blockage in the "tubes" that run from his liver to the intestines. This is causing the bile to just sit there. He's on antibiotics to fight infection which is always a possibility when you have stagnet fluid in the body. They were hoping to get a biopsy yesterday nut the doctor did not think it would be a good sample so they are going to try again today.  A previous sample of cells were abnormal so a biopsy will tell us more.

Due to dad's history, there is a very good chance that his cancer has returned.  We were told years ago that there was a good chance it would show up in another organ; I'm thankful that it has taken awhile to happen.  The doctor has not told us that it is cancer for sure and they don't like to use that word unless they are positive but given his history, the likelyhood is high.  Mom and I were not surprised by this as we've been expecting it.
Expecting to learn it's cancer doesn't totally prepare you though. Even though we don't know for sure and won't for 48-72 hours, we having a feeling. One of those gut feelings. He's pretty sick.  Yellow is not a very becoming color on him. 

Thankfully they were able to do a biopsy today and get a good sample.  So now we're waiting to get the biopsy results.  Once the results are in the doctors will have a better idea what they're dealing with and will be able to make a game plan to deal with it.

We're still praying for wisdom for the doctors and peace for all three of us.  Dad's still in pain but has been hungry so we're thankful for that.  We're also very thankful for the nurses.  They have been wonderful and I'm thankful for their compassion and professional care of my daddy.  Another prayer request would be for traffic; it takes us at least an hour and a half one way due to traffic...it's hard and tiring.

Dad

If you're not a personal friend of mine on Facebook or follow me on Twitter, you may be surprised to learn that I'm in MA.  I made an unexpected last minuted trip home due to my father's health late last week.

My dad was admitted to the ER on the Friday before Labor Day with a fever and high sugar levels.  Being a  diabetic, that's a problem.  They diagnosed him with an infection.  They kept him until late Monday evening and then sent him home.  He had a follow up appointment on Wednesday and they admitted him again.  I asked my mom if she needed me to come out and she immediately said yes.  I got online, found tickets, rearranged life in WA and was on a plane heading East in less than 24 hours.

I asked knowing she was going to say yes.  I'm so glad I came.  I didn't realize just how bad dad is.  I'm at complete peace about being here.  My parents need me right now.  Dad was so happy to see me.  My mom is slightly less stressed with me here.  I'm able to help shoulder some of the burden and she is feeling a little better.

When I first saw dad I was shocked.  He's jaundice and I have never seen anyone this yellow.  He could almost be called a glow worm he's so yellow.  You can't tell in the picture but he really is yellow.  He's also in a lot of pain and is very tired.  His color has gotten a little better during the past three days I've been here which is nice.  However he hasn't been feeling better which is a little discouraging.

Dad's been sick for about 22 years.  He's survived cancer three times- colon cancer twice and pancreatic cancer once.  It's a miracle that's he's alive.  The medical community cannot explain why he's still here.  Now his liver is failing.  He has cirrhosis due to his illnesses and medications.  We knew this was coming one day.  It's just very hard now that it's here.

He'll be getting a liver biopsy so they can figure out if the mass in his liver is a tumor or if it's just an infection.  There's also a growth is his stomach that they'll be biopsying.  They are using the word cancer so it's a possibility, one that doesn't surprise us.  His cancer has been going from organ to organ so it makes since that the liver might be next.

We're praying for doctors to have wisdom as dad has is procedure, comfort for dad that he will find relief from the pain and peace for Mom & I as we wait for results and wisdom to figure out what is best for dad (along with what he wants of course!)

Thank you for those of you that have checked in with me to see how he's doing and for your prayers.  Thank you for coming along side of us.  It's so hard to see a love one sick and knowing that others are praying means a lot.  Thank you.

A Month of Thanks; Health

I'm thankful that I'm healthy.  That my husband is healthy.  My parents are healthy.  (Well, dad's doing well for him.)  That my in-laws are healthy.  I'm not saying that all of us are in perfect health.  But to the best of my knowledge we are all doing well and if there is an issue, it's being seen or is in process of being taken care of.

I've never been seriously sick.  The worst I've had is a kidney stone and a dislocated ankle.  My dad on the other hand has had cancer. Twice.  It's a miracle that he's still alive.  He was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in 1997 (he was also diagnosed with cancer in 1989).  He's had surgery and chemo and radiation.  His insides have been rearranged.  He's developed diabetes and has other health issues as a result.  These health issues affect his whole life.  He was very sick right before my wedding and spent the weeks leading up to it in the hospital.  I was so thankful that he was able to walk me down the aisle.  It meant a lot of both of us, to my mom and to our family that he was there.  He is truly a miracle.  While I don't know what it's like to be sick, I know what it is like to have someone in your family sick.  It's draining, for everyone.  I am so thankful that we are healthy now.  I realize that one of us could get sick tomorrow, so I'm going to enjoy them today. 

What are you thankful for today?

Don't forget to link up if you've written about something you're thankful for!  You can link up here. I don't have a fancy button but I would love to read what you are thankful for!