For The Spouse Of An Alcoholic

I’ve shared several times that my husband, The Man is an alcoholic. It’s not a secret, I just don’t write about it frequently.  I’ve had a post in my head for over a year about things that I think spouses of an alcoholic should know.  I never sat down to write it cause there was always something else to write about or no time to write at all.

Then recently my friend Vanessa asked me to write about supporting your alcoholic husband for the Sisters of Katie Luther, of which she is an associate editor.  I said sure since this post has been in my head for ages and this was a good reason to get it out.  So I wrote it and then went to hit the send button. I couldn’t and it surprised me. It wasn’t until then that I realized how deeply personal this piece is. I feel exposed in it.  I don’t share super personal stuff but writing me made me rethink and relive some of time when my husband was working at getting sober.  That time was emotional for me in so many ways and a lot of those emotions resurfaced.

If you’re the spouse of an alcoholic, I think (or at least I like to think) that you’ll agree with many of my points.  If your spouse in not a alcoholic, then what I wrote might give you a small glimpse into what it is like to have an alcoholic spouse. 


If you’d like to read it, you can find it here.

2013

I’ve gone back and forth on writing this post for the past two days.  Instead of trying to remember everything that happened (or even look back to remember) I think I’ll share 13 of my favorite posts from this year (and I snuck a few more in too!)  They’re not in any special order. 

So, here are my favorites for 2013:

1.  Wordless Wednesday in January

I love these photos.  They are some of my favorite. Also, I can’t believe how much she’s changed in a year!

2. Me, 8 Months Later

I’m thankful to say that seventeen and half months later, I’ve worked through most of the issues I was having.  I’m still sad I had the c-section but I no longer think of it daily (or even weekly, YAY!) 

3. 4th Anniversary

We celebrated 4 years of marriage this year.  I love my husband and am so thankful we chose each other!

4. Wordless Wednesday, The Dog Park

We love trips to the dog park.  I got some very cute photos this day.

5. 10 Survival Tip for New Moms

Being a new mom is hard.  Some of these were told to me before Munchkin came along and others I wish people had told me.  I hope they are helpful and encouraging for others.

6. Goals for Motherhood

I enjoyed writing this post as it made me think about what kind of mom I want to be. 

7. Glacier Bay, Alaska

This was easily my favorite day on our Alaskan Cruise (though zip lining in Juneau was fun too!)  Glacier Bay is gorgeous and I’d love to go back some day!

8. 10 Reasons I Love Breastfeeding

I love breastfeeding, so much more that I thought I would.  This is a partial list of why.  I was also super excited to reach my goal of breastfeeding for 1  year.  I’m thankful that I was able to get some breastfeeding photos taken.  I know I will treasure these when Munchkin’s older and nursing is a thing of the distant past:)

 

9. Sobriety- 3 Years

We’ve come so far in three years by taking it one day at a time.  I don’t talk a lot about The Man’s alcoholism on my blog but it is a very real part of our lives.  Writing this post was good for me and allowed me to be encouraged by where we are now.

10. Building a Baby Library on Budget

Reading is so important and I think every child should have a library.  I know it can be hard to build one when funds are limited.  I wrote this to help give others ideas on how get books for their child.

11. Walking

My baby started walking!  I love that she’s mobile.  She’s so much fun.  This post also has the only personal video I posted this year (maybe ever on the blog?)

12. Munchkin’s first birthday

My baby turned one and was the first of many (I hope) birthdays.  I think she’ll enjoy cake a little more at her next birthday!

13. The House

It was hard saying goodbye to my childhood house.  Writing this post helped to find some closure. 

13.5  Swimming

We love taking Munchkin swimming!  She loves it, we love it and it’s great family time!

Happy New Year!

Sobriety; 3 Years

It’s been three years since I got the phone call in a JoAnn Fabrics in MA. 

It changed my life. It changed my husband’s life. It changed our marriage.

It was a call that subconsciously I had been expecting and dreading all at the same time.

It was my husband, in WA, telling me that he had been caught going on duty drunk.

It wasn’t supposed to happen; he was in Rehab.

Yet it did.

There were a lot of emotions, from both of us, that day three years ago.

I can picture it perfectly in my mind.

The shock, the disbelief, the fear, the betrayal.

It was followed by tears that I couldn’t stop as I walked around the fall wreaths on display. 

The Man hit bottom.

His bottom.

It was his choice, to keep drinking or to stop.

After that, he stopped.

I think it was the realization that he could lose everything.

His career, his house, his wife, and possibly his life, in this world and the next.

The month that followed was tough for both of us in different ways.

He went to daily AA meetings and was confined to the boat for 30 days.

I drove cross country with a close friend and was alone for the month of December.

His 30 days were up on Dec. 24.

He was able to come home.

That was the best gift I got that year.

A sober husband.

I’ve had one ever since.

It hasn’t been easy, staying sober for three years.  Some days are easier than others.  The Man’s alcoholism is a very real part of our life together.  We talk about it openly.  Munchkin will know that her daddy is an alcoholic.  It’s not something we forget or ignore.

He takes it one day at a time.

We take it one day at a time.

365 Days

As of today, The Man has been sober for one year.  

I am so proud of him! 

It was this day, last year that life turned upside down.

I was in MA and I got a phone call from The Man. 

He had an ARI (alcohol related incident).

A BIG ONE.

As a result, 

we thought 

he was going to be separated 

from the Navy.

Things worked out 

and he was able to stay in.

He did get restricted to the boat

for 30 days 

and

missed my birthday.

He did make it home

in time for Christmas

(thankfully!)

He also was 

demoted a pay grade.

However,

it was worth it.

The past year hasn't always been easy

but I LOVE that

my man is sober!

He'll keep taking it

one day at a time.

I'm looking forward

many, many more

sober years!

Congrats babe.

I'm so proud of you!

I love you!

10 Months

I am so proud of The Man!  As of yesterday, September 13, he's been sober for 10 months.  At this time last year I wasn't sure he'd ever be sober!  It hasn't been an easy journey but it has been worth it.

It was in late August of last year that The Man went to his command and told him he wanted help with his drinking.  They brought him to SARP (Substance Abuse Rehabilitation Program) and he had to do tons of paperwork.  It was a few weeks later that he started the program.  Those few weeks were hard and by the time he started he wanted nothing to do with the program.  He had changed his mind.  He was hoping that he could get his drinking under control and that he could say and do the right things to make them think that he was doing great.  He entered the program thinking that he would still be able to drink.  And drink he did.  In secret since it wasn't allowed as part of the program.  It caused problems but that's a whole different blog post!

Baby, I'm so proud of you! 

A Different Kind of Therapy

As part of The Man's therapy for his alcoholism, he decided to audition for a show. He started doing theatre full time in high school and moved to New York City when he graduated to pursue a career. Once in NYC he worked as a technical director. He loved it but when he joined the Navy he wasn't able to do it anymore. As he was working through his sobriety he realized that it was something he needed to do again. So he checked out what was going to be produced and decided to audition for Sweeney Todd.

His main goal was just to audition. I was very excited when he got a call back. Unfortunately he wasn't able to go due to work but he was still cast as part of the chorus. The Man managed to make rehearsals work with his work schedule (with the ok from his command, though there were was a week or two where it looked like he wouldn't be able to be apart of it. Thankfully everything worked out!). February and March were filled with rehearsals. The show ran for the month of April. Yesterday (May 1) was the closing performance. I saw it 4 times over the course of the month and enjoyed it every time. Here are some photos that were taken during the final dress rehearsal by a friend of one of the cast members:

The whole company singing The Ballard of Sweeney Todd

Getting a shave

The opening of the second act

The beginning of the finale

 Someone in the audience secretly recorded the finale of the last show.  It's not the best but at least you can hear just fine!





I was (and am!) super proud of him.  I'm hoping that he can do another show when he's on shore duty!

Secrets, Part I

Ever since Jessica's blog post I've been thinking about secrets.  We all have them.  Things that we don't talk about or share for various reasons.  Maybe we're shameful or afraid of how people will react or treat us if they knew. We often feel alone or think that no one would understand.  We look at the people around us and see perfect lives.  They have it all together.  On the flip side of that I think we like to have others think well of us so we share the things that will help them to like us.  Things that show people that we have it together.  When people look at us or read what we have written they think nothing can possible be wrong in our lives!  Oh, of course they have stress from moving or not having hubby around but other than that, life is great for them.  Maybe instead of saying we I should have said I.  What do you think?  Have you ever felt this way?

I'm writing this because it may seem like we have it all together.  Well, we don't.  We're a work in progress.  I'm going to share a secret of ours with you  (not to worry, I have permission from The Man!)  I have a few reasons for doing this.  One is so that others in the similar situation will know that they are not the only ones dealing with this.  Another reason is that God has been working in each of us and our family and I would like Him to receive the honor for that.  We have not worked through this alone.

Ok, deep breath.  It's harder to write than I thought it would be.  Once it's published and out there I can't get it back.  I have no control over who reads it...but here it goes...

Hi, I'm Poekitten.  I'm married to an alcoholic.

3 month coin

I've written and rewritten this part of the post several times.  I'm not sure where to go from here.  Start from the beginning?  Tell you about when he admitted he was a alcoholic?  Talk about the crisis it started?  I think I'll leave it at this for now and start the story of our journey in another post.

I'm happy to tell you that The Man has been sober for 5 months now.  I am so proud of him.  I watched him struggle and it was hard knowing that there was nothing I could do.  Nothing I could do but pray for him and support him.  I had to allow him to fail and that was hard for me.  I had to allow him to work through his treatment and hit his bottom before he was willing to be sober.  Even now it's one day at a time.  It will always be one day at a time.